Mother of the Bride vs Mother of the Groom: Who Chooses Her Dress First?

Two women will stand closest to the couple in almost every family photograph: the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom. Neither is meant to steal attention, but both want to look their best, and both are usually shopping at the same time. That is where small misunderstandings start. One buys a long navy gown, the other turns up in a knee-length floral print, and the portraits look as if they came from two different weddings.

None of this needs to be complicated. The traditional order is simple, the coordination rules are few, and most of the friction disappears with one early conversation. This post covers who goes first, what the two outfits should share, where they can differ, and how to handle the awkward cases. For the full dress-buying process from start to finish, see our step-by-step guide on how to choose a mother of the bride dress.

Who Chooses First?

By tradition, the mother of the bride chooses her outfit first, then tells the mother of the groom what she has picked. The custom comes from a time when the bride’s family hosted and paid for most of the wedding, so the bride’s mother was treated as the senior hostess. The groom’s mother followed her lead as a courtesy.

Today, families split costs in every possible way and plenty of couples host their own weddings, so the reasoning behind the rule has faded. The order itself has survived for a practical reason: it gives one person the job of setting the direction, which avoids two people waiting politely for each other while the wedding date gets closer.

The custom is not a law. If the groom’s mother has found a dress she loves early, there is no reason she cannot share it first and let the bride’s mother coordinate around her. What matters is that one of them leads and the other knows what she is matching.

Where the Bride Fits In

Both mothers should take their cue from the couple before either of them shops. The bride, or the couple together, decides the formality, the color palette and sometimes the specific shades they would like the families to wear. Some couples have strong views; others are happy to leave it entirely to the mothers. Either way, asking first prevents the most common problem, which is a dress bought before the palette was settled.

A short message is enough: “Do you have any colors or lengths you would like the mothers to wear, or any you would rather we avoided?” The answer gives both women the same starting brief.

What the Two Outfits Should Share

Coordinating does not mean matching. Identical dresses tend to look like a uniform, and very few women want to be dressed as a pair. The aim is for the two outfits to look as if they belong at the same event. Three things do most of that work.

Length. This is the single most important point of agreement. If one mother is in a floor-length gown and the other wears a knee-length dress, the difference is obvious in every group photo. Agree on long, tea length or knee length and both stick to it.

Formality. A beaded evening gown beside a cotton day dress looks mismatched even when the lengths agree. Both outfits should sit at the same level of dressiness: both evening, both cocktail, or both smart daywear.

Color family. The two colors should sit comfortably together and with the wedding palette. They do not need to be the same color, and usually look better if they are not.

Where They Can Differ

Once length, formality and color family are settled, everything else is personal. Neckline, sleeve style, fabric, silhouette and accessories can all differ. One mother might choose a lace sheath with three-quarter sleeves, the other a chiffon A-line with a matching jacket, and the two will still look coordinated because the essentials line up.

The same applies to dress versus trousers. A mother who prefers not to wear a dress can choose a tailored suit, and it will sit perfectly well beside a gown if the formality and color work together. Our mother of the bride pant suits and mother of the groom pant suits are built around exactly this kind of occasion dressing.

Color Pairings That Work Well

The simplest approach is for the two mothers to choose colors of similar depth: two deep shades or two soft ones. A pale pastel beside a very dark jewel tone can look unbalanced. Some reliable combinations:

• Navy and dusty blue. Two tones of the same family, very easy to photograph. See navy blue mother of the bride dresses and blue mother of the groom dresses.
• Champagne and gold. Warm, soft and elegant for evening receptions, as long as the champagne is deep enough not to read as ivory. Compare champagne mother of the bride dresses with gold mother of the groom dresses.
• Burgundy and navy. A rich autumn and winter pairing. Burgundy mother of the groom dresses sit especially well beside a deep navy.
• Teal and purple. Two jewel tones of similar depth that suit evening venues. See teal and purple options.
• Green and gray. A quieter combination for garden and daytime weddings. Browse green mother of the bride dresses and gray mother of the groom dresses.

For a deeper look at color choices, including shades to avoid and colors by season, read what color the mother of the bride should wear.

How to Start the Conversation

Many mothers put this off because it feels like asking permission or giving orders. It is neither. It is simply sharing information so both of you can shop with confidence. A few approaches make it easier:

• Send a photo, not a description. “Navy” covers a huge range. A picture of the dress, or even a screenshot of the listing, removes all guesswork.
• Share early. Once the bride has confirmed the palette, the mother who leads should share her choice within a few weeks so the other has plenty of time to order, return and tailor.
• Frame it as teamwork. “I would love us to look good together in the photos. Here is what I am thinking, what do you have in mind?” invites a reply rather than setting a rule.
• Keep the bride in the loop. A quick message to the couple confirming both choices avoids surprises on the day.

If the two mothers do not know each other well, this exchange can be a pleasant first step in getting to know one another before the wedding.

When the Mothers Have Different Tastes

It is common for the two women to have very different styles. One may love sparkle and structure; the other may prefer soft fabrics and simple lines. That is fine. Personal style shows up in the details, while the shared length, formality and color depth hold the look together.

Where it becomes a problem is when one outfit is clearly more formal or eye-catching than the other. If that happens, the gentlest fix usually comes from accessories rather than a new dress. A simpler dress can be lifted with a jeweled clutch, statement earrings or a metallic wrap. A very embellished dress can be balanced by keeping jewelry minimal.

Special Situations

Stepmothers and blended families. If there are more than two mothers or mother figures, the same principles apply to all of them: agree on length and formality, choose colors that sit together, and avoid anyone feeling pushed into a secondary role. The couple can help by sharing one set of guidance with everyone at the same time.

Two brides or two grooms. When both families are equal hosts and there is no traditional “bride’s side”, the couple can nominate who leads, or the mothers can simply agree between themselves.

Destination and beach weddings. Lighter fabrics and shorter or tea-length hems make sense for both mothers. See mother of the bride beach dresses and mother of the groom beach dresses.

Casual or courthouse weddings. Both mothers can dress down together. A polished day dress or a smart suit is enough, and casual mother of the groom dresses show what that level of dressing looks like.

A Simple Coordination Checklist

1. Both mothers ask the couple about palette, formality and any colors to avoid.
2. The mother of the bride, or whichever mother leads, chooses first.
3. She shares a photo of her dress with the other mother and the couple.
4. The second mother chooses a complementary color at the same length and formality.
5. Both allow time for delivery, exchanges and tailoring.
6. Accessories are used to balance any difference in dressiness.

Frequently Asked Questions